6 Key Things to Consider: When Choosing a Known Donor
by Whitney and Sydney Williams-Black
It all started with an iPhone note when we began to discuss having a baby. It read “HOW: A soft cup to inseminate at home,” because initially I thought we could just use my Diva cup… turns out that’s a bad idea! After that, you need something to put in the soft cup. We began considering what kind of donors we would use.
Generally, the first real step in trying to conceive, for those of who are trying to conceive in queer, single-parent, untraditional, and/or traditional families with infertility diagnoses, is figuring out what you have an abundance of and what you need to make your family complete. For us that meant finding a known sperm or “genetic material” donor. We will use the phrase “genetic material” and “genetic donor” as they are gender-expansive ways to say sperm cells, eggs cells and those who donate them.
Before we overshare a little bit of our journey in becoming parents… Hi, my name is Whitney Williams-Black and the person typing this is Sydney Williams-Black. We are a stubbornly Black, lovingly queer, couple of earth signs living in Durham, North Carolina. Living in our Southern cottage, we have an 18-year-old, a 49-year-old dog, Onyx, and our 7-year-old godson who we co-parent with our best friend. Whit is a full spectrum doula and student midwife, while Syd is a legal assistant at our local LGBTQIA+ centering law firm. We are both trained fertility doulas specializing in the reproductive and life transitions of Black queer and trans individuals/families, and we want to become pregnant too.
In this blog post, we will focus on how to find a known donor and things you may want to know once you find someone. We are speaking from our own lived experiences and our work with other queer and trans folks who are trying to conceive (TTC).
Moving Beyond the How
In the fertility and conception journey, after you identify your “how,” or the method you want to start with, you’ll begin considering when, where, and with what (as in, what genetic material). In our case, we know for sure that we won’t be going through the sometimes disappointing route of choosing between the very small handful of Black genetic donors at the closest cryobank. We are prioritizing finding a known donor.
With a known donor, you have the option to try ICI (intracervical insemination) at home – alone or with a midwife– IUI (intrauterine insemination) – we recommend with a midwife– or IVF (in vitro fertilization) at your local fertility clinic. From there, there will be decisions on whether you freeze genetic material or use it fresh. Below you’ll find some of the tips we’ve learned along the way. If you are curious about or planning to use a known donor, we are hopeful these will support your process:
1. Start with your intuition and own your knowledge.
Because Syd is in the legal field, we knew for sure that we’d be signing a donor agreement and securing a lawyer for the donor before we did anything. Syd sees very often that queer parents are too trusting and want to move quickly in making a family. In most cases with families of color, they aren’t worried about the legal protections necessary for the worst-case scenario, and, unfortunately, this can cause complications. Before we got into any serious conversation with a donor we found one of the best lawyers in town, Milan T. Pham of NicholsonPham, PLLC. Whit, being a doula, knew that we would need to get more information about getting pregnant when sperm isn’t readily available and assessing our fertility essence. (See @mossthedoulas class for Queer TTC Parents and Josie’s FERTILE Course for more on what we have learned over the past year.)
2. Lean on your community.
Taking into account the costs of starting a family, for us, going the known donor route felt most accessible. We began talking to the folks with sperm close to us, who we knew either had an interest in helping us and/or had already had children themselves. That was important to me because I needed to know that these folks had a full understanding of the family these kids were being born into. It was also important for me to know that we weren’t going to have a nuclear family-type breakdown. (if you haven’t watched “Nuclear Family” on Hulu and HBOMax please watch it. It is non-Black but riveting.)
Seek out the gays and TGNCNB folks in your area who may have an abundance of genetic material that you need. Talk to friends who can talk to friends who would potentially be open to being a donor. Work something out between the lawyers and make your families!! The lawyers can help ensure the best interest of both parties and encourage a reciprocal and practical exchange.
3. Manifest your family with your village!
If you don’t have a clear sense of the family you are trying to create, try hosting a dreaming session with your partner(s) and/or community on everyone's roles in helping bring this child into the world. With our fertility clients, we create a dreamy profile of their ideal donor and supply them with a list of questions that they can bring to a meeting with prospective donors.
We are never surprised when someone tells us that the people in their circles step up to support them in grand ways. That cannot happen without vulnerability.
4. Think expansively if you’re feeling stuck.
I will never forget the time we searched the cryobank files for a donor. We were looking for someone who was Black and had a degree. We had done a lot of work around what we needed to know about our donor and knew we couldn’t afford the extras on the site like “Hear your donor’s voice”. We searched again just for the fun of it while we were at the Black Parent PRIDE Summit in DC! Shoutout to Xhood, a community of Black and Queer parents who are intentional about the communities we birth our children into! Anyhow, we searched again and it was laughable. We had one result. When we removed the latter requirement we got 6. Six Black donors in all of the East Coast. It may be true that you have found this article and are devastated at the lack of options, too. You may be very concerned about the State of the Black Donor.
If you want a known donor, how known do you need or want them to be. There are options out there such as “professional donors”. You may want to consider joining some Queer parenting Facebook groups to find them. After becoming familiar in these circles you will be referred to folks who are.. well.. professionals. These folks have positive track records for rearing healthy children and can be “as involved as you prefer” in the child’s life. There are definitely some risks going this route but we have witnessed many families who are successful in their TTC journey and have healthy pregnancies and kids.
5. Yes, make a pros and cons list after meeting your donor.
Syd and I narrowed our donor search to two people we felt comfortable with. It came down to responsiveness, affordability/travel, and expanding our understanding of fertility in Trans Women on HRT. We had one donor who was ready, willing, available, who lived close to us, already had a kid, and wanted no more children. We had another, a childhood friend, who lived states away, and had a full and radical acceptance of the family we were building. The choice was difficult but we went forward in the legal process before making any plans to try for a baby.
6. Cultivate Radical Acceptance of where you are in your journey.
As a couple, we have an abundance of eggs. Financially, we knew we had to save for this. Between legal fees, midwifery services, and getting Whit’s PCOS, and overall health under control, our initial budget of $2,000 was not going to cut it. Setting a timeline for our reproductive life - how many children we wanted to have, how many pregnancies, factoring in the reality of possible miscarriage and loss, and so on was also a heavy consideration for us.
We also needed time to build a relationship with our donor - to understand and accept the kind of parent they are and figure out what level of privacy we needed during our active tries up until the birth of our child. These will also be included in any donor agreement you make. You may also need to consider your stance on queer arrangements of parenthood. Are you a nuclear family? Are you willing to be a polycule? Do you need someone who is off hormone replacement therapy? Will mental health and other carrier diagnosis be a disqualifier for this pregnancy? Do you have the money to invest in those tests and genetic counseling? Where are you in this process and what do you need?
I know those are weighty questions; you do not need to have answers in this moment but please take them to your journal and to your good friends and/or your doula. Try reflecting on these topics before you begin. Having hard conversations and making decisions that are fair and S.M.A.R.T. is a skill that you will flex throughout your time considering a known donor. Radical acceptance means surveying the skills you have between you, your partner(s), and in your village. It also requires a level of trust and transparency that you will inevitably have to work on. Try to remember that no one comes to this process perfect and that our job as parents is to advocate for the health and well-being of our children and ourselves. Remember to take breaks and pause in your conversations when emotions are high.
If you’re a birth worker looking to go deeper on these topics, check out BADT’s Fertility and Conception and Queer and Trans Reproductive Support Courses!
We love you from our little spot in NC!
If you are looking for any support during your time trying to conceive, schedule a call with us.
syd + whit
Whitney Williams-Black
As a full-spectrum doula, Whit Williams-Black (she/they) is dedicated to serving the community. Early on in Whit’s birthwork journey, she felt the call to serve Black mamas, young parents, poor, LGBTQIA+, and QTBIPOC people in the South. Her goals are to one day become a community midwife and to open birth centers and community gardens across the Southeastern States of America.
Whit began studying power, reproductive justice, and feminist movements in 2015. She obtained a B.A. in Gender and Women’s Studies with a minor in Social Justice in 2018 from Hollins University. Since graduation, Whit has become a certified full-spectrum doula with Ancient Song Doula Services in NYC. Professionally, they have served as a Community Educator-- facilitating workshops on Childbirth, Reproductive Justice, Consent, and Pleasure.
Sydney Williams-Black
Syd is a black transgender man and a native of Durham, North Carolina. He attended college in Roanoke, VA where he graduated in 2018 with a Bachelor of Arts degree in Film. Syd plays a central role in maintaining website content, and blog posts and providing quality service to our clients. Syd’s responsibilities include opening, preparing, organizing, and maintaining client files, reviewing court docket information, and implementing automation and new programs to help the office run efficiently. Syd enjoys helping others in the community, particularly trans and gender non-conforming clients, working with the NicholsonPham team to achieve client goals and keeping clients informed about the progress of their matters.