5 Ways to Show Up for Grief and Loss as a Birth Worker and Beyond
by Mel Graham
Life is not just about being born and then dying, we all know this. How we live in the in-between is where the magic lands. When I was a little one, I used to teach my stuffed animals all the things I learned in school, teaching them the ways of the world. We would go to magical beaches or forests. Reading was also a great way to escape the life of a youngster in my household.
Little did I know this was the start of my birthwork practice as well. When I was around 13 years old, my caretaker was escaping her marriage by living with us; she had a miscarriage, the second one in a year. Yeah, you do the math on that one. I vividly remember standing at a small gravesite, holding her hand, repeatedly saying to her it was going to be okay. She would be a mommy one day soon. I was learning to hold space for someone who was grieving.
Showing Up For Folks Experiencing Loss
I am Mel, today, you will find me spending my overnights taking care of little ones, encouraging new parents that they got this because their new child(ren) did not come with a manual, answering abortion questions, hosting grief circles, offering Reiki services, or hanging with my two grandsons. I was certified as a Postpartum and an Abortion Birth Worker in 2019, but my work started long before then.
Lots of folks hear Doula/Birth Worker and just automatically assume support for when a person is giving birth, but we are much more than that. We do work for all reproductive services including grief/loss. 30% of pregnancies end in a miscarriage, these expectant parents are left in a void lots of times navigating life without much-needed support. Stillbirth affects about 1 in 175 births, and each year about 21,000 babies are stillborn in the United States. The difference between a miscarriage and stillbirth is when the loss occurred; the US defines a miscarriage as a loss before the 20th week and a stillborn at or after the 20th week.
Loss of pregnancies can happen for various reasons including but not limited to:
pre-existing high risk health issues,
social-economic disadvantages,
racial disparities within the medical industrial complex,
infections, problems with the uterus and cervix, and other factors.
Newborn loss can be caused by preterm birth, birth defects, or other health issues which developed in utero or after birth.
In the United States, where I live, we do not speak on loss of a pregnancy often, families are usually forced to just move on. Slowly, more safe spaces for grief are being created. Still, there are not enough.
As a birth worker, I am trying to knock those walls down to help my community to understand it is not only okay to talk about it but also grieve.
What about Abortion in Grief and Loss?
Another piece of the grief and loss puzzle is abortion. There are many different reasons that folks choose to have an abortion. Abortions are a safe, effective way to end a pregnancy. Abortion is the most highly regulated medical service in the country and is now banned in several states. The CDC says there were 620,327 abortions nationally in 2020 in the District of Columbia and 47 states, a 1.5% decrease from 629,898 in 2019. Guttmacher’s national total for 2020 was 930,160, a 1.5% increase from 916,460 in 2019.
Persons that choose to have an abortion do so with all of the emotions you would think, fear, doubt, angst, worry, shame, relief, confusion, and grief.
Grief from abortion is a little different from miscarriage and loss because those were spontaneous circumstances whereas an abortion is a scheduled, known event.
Some people grieve the loss of what could’ve been or would have happened if things were different. A birthing person’s body also goes through the same things as a pregnancy loss, so they will have to manage the emotional, physical and mental changes as they readjust to life after pregnancy. For folks who wanted pregnancy and anticipated meeting a new life at the end, but cannot stay pregnant, it may be like walking through a maze of confusion for a while.
The mental grief for those that have had an abortion is one that I have heard from others and have experienced myself.
As a person that had an abortion, I will tell you that the decision was one that was at the time best for me and my life. I can not and will not shame or judge anyone who chooses to have an abortion. Everyone should have the right to bodily autonomy which includes having an abortion if needing or wanting one.
Why I Am Committed to Grief Work
As mentioned earlier, my caretaker had two miscarriages when I was growing up. I vividly remember the second one because of how heartbroken and sad she was for weeks after. I would just sit with her and reassure her that things would be okay. She was really in a dark place, little did I know at the time. She was escaping an abusive relationship, away from her family, and my mom and I were her safest place at the time for her to be. I would worry about her when I went to school and be excited to come home to her. After about 3 months she finally started to regain some of her life back. And two years later she successfully had a child.
What if everyone that lost a child(ren) from a miscarriage or infant loss had someone to just be with them as they journeyed through those first weeks of the loss?
That is what I envision and would love to see for all birthing people. The same way that I yell, mention, and take up space around postpartum support, I am mentioning grief/loss in the same breath. Community support and care is essential for us all but especially for our families that have suffered a loss.
There is no one way to grieve, everyone handles it in different ways. There are certain stages to grief but how to navigate or when it shows up is totally out of our control. That is why it is imperative that we have birth workers, mental health support, and community groups to help hold space and provide resources for families as they go through the grieving process.
Ways You Can Support Folks Who Are Grieving
I encourage all that are reading this post to be mindful of these five ways you can support people after a pregnancy/infant related loss:
Connect the family to a Grief/Loss Birth Worker. There are birth workers and death doulas who specialize in grief/loss support like myself that are available and ready to support families that are navigating grief and trying to adjust to life after a loss.
Set up a meal train for the first 2 to 3 weeks after loss. This will help the family make sure they are eating and taking care of themselves without having to stress about meal time(s). Nourishment is so important through all life transitions.
Offer household support. This can look like grocery, laundry, cooking, even child(ren) support or pet support. This is another way to help the family as they are navigating the grief in the early weeks, reducing the stress of day-to-day activities.
Offer to find a local grief group or mental health counselor(s). Even if you give this information as a save for later, you never know how resourceful this can be when the grief is rising and a person is so overwhelmed they can not think about doing the research, they can readily available if they need it.
Keep support steady for several weeks or months. Just be there for the family long after the first few weeks, being able to know that there is real support weeks and/or months after a loss is a very important to families.
Loss and Grief are unfortunately a part of this life’s journey. Being able to show up for others and also being able to ask for help if you have suffered a loss is really important to helping continue to build community support. This helps us all know that we are not on this journey alone.
Stay Connected
If you would like to find out more about my work or book a consultation with me, my website is www.mpoweredsouls.net You can also follow me on Instagram @mpowerdsouls. Additionally, check out the BADT’s Full-Spectrum Doula Training if you’re committed to showing up for folks for grief, loss, birth, postpartum, and everything in between.
Bio….
Mel Graham, originally from Brooklyn, NY, and currently residing in Charlotte, NC. I am a Queer Non-Binary Femme. I am a parent to 3 young adult children and a grandparent of two.
I came into birthwork as an extension of my natural healing and teaching gifts. l spent over 30 years working as an assistant in various industries and has always had a yearning for supporting women, femmes, and gender non-conforming persons in all areas of their lives.
Weaving my healing skills, teaching skills, and learnings I am able to provide the grounding and listening spirit in a full spectrum way for persons in their postpartum, miscarriage or stillbirth, fertility, abortion as well as Trans Persons transition support. Supporting my fellow BIPOC LGBTIAQ+ members proudly.