10 Ways Doulas Can Show Up For and Support Partners
Doulas are often known for the important ways they center the birthing person, especially in the midst of medical systems that often put the doctor at the center of decisions and processes. We’d like to emphasize the fact that doulas can uplift and support partners through reproductive transitions as well– from birth, to abortion, to postpartum, to family planning and fertility journey, to loss, and so on. We are using the term “birthing person” throughout this article to mean anyone going through any reproductive transition.
This article is meant to offer some clarity for clients or folks who are seeking doula support; additionally, we invite doulas to consider the ways they show up for partners, when relevant. We know that some folks choose to navigate reproductive transitions solo, and we honor this choice! We are also aware that in some cases, the birthing person may not feel safe* involving their partner(s), and we encourage doulas to follow their clients' lead. Additionally, we know families come in a wide variety of shapes and sizes, which may include multiple partners.
*Relationships and reproductive transitions are complex. Crisis intervention may be a part of the ways a doula shows up, and we encourage all birth workers to gain skills related to crisis intervention; check out our collaborative course with Project LETS here! If a birthing person shares that they are feeling unsafe with their partner or does not want their partner involved, it is the doula’s job to respect this need. These may be opportunities to safety plan and seek referrals for additional supports or intervention, with client consent.
Partner Support Matters
Under the medical industrial complex, a lot of nuance is lost, resources are spread thin, and support can be quite rigid. Often this means that the birthing person is being treated, but the social and emotional aspects of the experience may fall to the wayside. Along with this, partners' experiences may also be left unaddressed. As a full-spectrum doula training organization, we seek to acknowledge the expansiveness of this work and invite our BADT-trained doulas to tend to partners if/when it’s appropriate for their clients’ unique situations.
Partners and doulas have separate but complementary roles; thus, it’s not redundant for a person to want to have partner(s) and doula present throughout their experience.
Ways Doulas Can Show Up For Partners
Have 1:1 meetings with partners. This can be a great way to learn what the partner is experiencing, needing, processing, etc. Because the birthing person is often the one who gets asked “How are you?” and “What’s been going on since your last visit?” and such, it can be really valuable for a partner to have the container to feel seen and heard too.
Ask questions to learn about their personal experiences or stories. If the family is preparing for birth and postpartum, for example, you may ask about their own birth story. If the family is preparing for a loss, as another example, you may ask how they’ve grieved in past losses and what supports they tend to turn to.
Offer practical strategies and tools for supporting the birthing person. A doula can teach physical comfort measures that partners can offer the birthing person. Additionally, if they are all sharing space, the doula can model words, phrases, or physical supports throughout a transitional experience. (Similarly, we should note that the doula may learn from the partners’ modeling!)
Give the partner a break. In order to keep showing up for the birthing person, sometimes partners need a break. A doula is able to stay present for the birthing person if/when the partner needs to step out.
Provide context. While a family is navigating their unique journey, partners may experience fear or uncertainty, and a doula can offer some context. They can help partners understand what is typical, narrate what is happening, as well as translate doctor-speak into everyday language.
Ensure the partner is also eating/drinking/sleeping. Sometimes partners are hypervigilant and keeping a close watch on the birthing person. Partners’ physical needs are also important and doulas can help be a mirror for those needs.
Document key details or moments. Doulas can offer to take notes, keep timelines, and/or take photographs as the family wishes, such that the birthing person and the partner(s) can be present in the experience.
Provide resources. Partners may want or need help finding support groups, relevant information sources, or referrals for additional services.
Encouragement to keep learning. Sometimes birthing people can feel like they’re carrying the weight of learning as they navigate their reproductive experience. Doulas can invite partners to engage in active learning– classes, book or blog recs, YouTube videos, etc.
Model language for advocacy. Doulas can teach and model language that may be used in birth spaces and help partners practice advocating for the birthing person. Role playing and practicing phrases like “We need some time alone to think about our options” can help partners grow confidence in navigating the birthing space alongside their loved one.
Join Us in Community
We’d love for you to join us in community, in learning how to support birthing families in expansive ways. Sign up for our email list if you’re a birth worker or aspiring birth worker, so you’ll be first to hear about new courses, open enrollment periods, and scholarship opportunities.